Nihilism is a philosophy (and a type of depression) that rejects fundamental aspects of human existence.  I unconsciously chose nihilism as a young child due to my mental shortcomings and my difficulties comprehending life and existence.  I sat motionless as a young child for long periods from being in shock with life and normal surroundings.

Anything that is not black and white is meaningless.  Death is black and white.  I saw five young people die before 30 in my neighborhood.  I had access to many reference books as a child since my mom was a librarian.  The printed information in those books were facts and not subject to opinion.  I was resigned to what I saw in front of me.  I was in an emotional straightjacket.  Freedom is a wonderful thing except in the mind of a nihilist.

The idea of being able to choose one’s own way of living not only scared me to death, but it rendered life meaningless.  Even making simple, day-to-day decisions became an ordeal.  I tended to follow the same routines over and over again so as to make the routines black and white, without having to think.  I would stick with certain routines for months and years until I got so sick of it, I would have a small panic attack.  The longest I ever stuck to any routine was six or seven years, in which case I would have a bigger panic attack.

I’ve moved a lot in my lifetime – 11 addresses total in 4 states.  The first year was always the easiest because I was already protected with many black and white routines and thought patterns.  It was after the first year that I struggled.  The novelty of a new location (especially a new state) vanished once I realized that I was still living in the world with people and human nature.  Sentimentality is a huge way for nihilists to cope with day-to-day living.  It’s the idea, flawed as it is, to imagine life and people being a certain way that is desired in a nihilist, whether it was something that existed in the past or never at all.  I tried living a spiritual life but after 6 years, while having another panic attack, my brain emptied itself of everything I learned during that time.  Strangely, my mental and emotional health has been as good as ever since then.